After
reading chapter 6 of Messages by McKay, Davis, and Fanning, I realized that I
have mainly used one of the eight Hidden Agendas, “I’m Tough”. Its not that I
have done this in purpose, at least I don’t think I have, is just as the
authors describe: it’s a way to prove that you’re smart, invulnerable, in
control as well as a way to protect yourself from rejection or disappointment.
When reading this description, I immediately recalled a situation in which I
had a conversation with an old friend but I now wish that things would had gone
differently. When meeting up with “Julia” we began talking about the things we
had done since high school, family members, old classmates, and so on. At one
moment I was asked, “So what have you been up to lately? Been keeping busy as
usual?” As I recall this conversation, I realize that I began to talk about
some of the highlights in my life, such as graduating from college, to
explaining my day-to-day life. I continued to describe to her about the things
I do from the moment I step out of the house for work to the moment I get back
into bed.
Reflecting
on what I have learned in Chapter 5, I recognize Julia’s metamessage. Her form
of asking me if I’ve been keeping busy was one of concern and it had a
metamessage meaning of “There’s something wrong with you. You need to slow
down.” While I described my usual days, her facial expressions had changed from
excited to see me to one of full concern for me. Her body movements and
gestures, such as her body moving forward listening closely, her hand on my
knee briefly as to convey the feeling of “I feel for you”, up to the moment
where Julia proceeded to hug me tightly before parting our own ways and saying,
“Please take care of yourself”, completely changed. As she said those last words
her paralanguage was more noticeable. The pitch, resonance, tempo, and volume
had all changed, all expressing concern and/or pity for me.
As I
continue to think about this situation, I would’ve liked to have the
conversation more differently allowing me to have more control of my body
language resulting on a more pleasant conversation conveying just happiness and
not the “I’m Tough” hidden agenda. Rather than describing my day-to-day
activities, I could’ve just changed the conversation. Is it possible to have a
pleasant conversation with everyone we meet without wondering if there’s a
hidden agenda?
McKay, Matthew, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning.
"Chapters." Messages the Communication Skills Book.. 3rd ed. Oakland:
New Harbinger Publications, 2009. 59-88. Print.
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